can’t decide

I haven’t done anything today. Watched some Netflix and that’s about it. I did do some laundry and cleaning. I hate days when I can’t decide on something to do. I couldn’t decide on a show or movie to watch even. It’s ridiculous.

I feel like this is sort of how my life is. I can’t ever decide on anything. I don’t know what I want to do with my life. I realize that I am my worst obstacle each day.

I was brought up in a household where you were not expected to succeed. Success was for somebody else. It was the attitude that if you wanted to be a doctor you must be full of yourself and think you’re better than the rest. It’s completely not the case. I have thought about being many things in my life, have never been able to go for anything. No drive.

I have a friend, and he is constantly coming up with ideas on different ways to make money. He goes for it. He’s not afraid of failing. He isn’t afraid to put himself out there. I don’t understand it. To me it is a foreign concept, and I sit in awe of how he just goes for it.

Now, that being said he is a lot like me in that he has trouble finishing things. We are actually a lot alike. It’s kind of crazy. We both are good at many different things. We start many things, but never seem to finish them. Never get to where we “master” something. It just seems to be that we get a handle on it, and then we stop. I don’t know if we get bored with it, or we are afraid of it becoming too much. It’s interesting.

He’s a good guy, and I think he is a good friend for me. Unfortunately, I don’t know if I can keep up with him. I don’t know if it’s a friendship that will last. I hope so. Maybe this is something I can finish. I don’t usually hold on to friends. Seems to be that when I get a friend they leave, and I don’t keep in touch. That being said it is a two way street, and they don’t keep in touch either. Maybe that is because I am not a very good friend. I always feel like I am too awkward or try to please too much to keep a friend. I never feel like I can truly be myself. I have a problem with trusting people. Anyway, that’s a subject for another day.

I suppose I never keep with my title subject, but then again maybe it did. I can’t decide. One day at a time I guess.


keep surviving